No K’suba Without A Quarrel
By Menachem Ziegelboim
Rabbi Tamir Kastiel is the
young director of the Chabad House in Katamon, Yerushalayim (see Shlichus
article The Ninja Rabbi). In the interview
with him presented in this issue, Tamir told us about his work in disseminating
Torah and Chassidus and the besuras ha’Geula. He also told of an incredible
series of answers he received in the Igros Kodesh before his marriage.
When I was becoming religious,
I heard many lectures from Rabbi Yisroel Halperin, the Chabad Rabbi in
Hertzeliya and my . Rabbi Halperin is my mashpia with whom I consult on
virtually every matter.
One day a shidduch was
suggested to me. The girl came from a home whose philosophy was close to that of
the Mizrachi movement. They highly recommended the girl, and we met a few times
until we finally decided to get engaged. A few days later we made a vort
(engagement party) in the girl’s house.
We began preparing for the
wedding by reserving a hall and hiring a photographer, band, and everything else
we needed. Then one day Rabbi Halperin had a little talk with me. It was a
serious discussion in which he said that I was about to build a Jewish home and
the Rebbe wants Jewish homes to be built on a foundation of Torah and mitzvos
without any compromises.
He was referring to the fact
that since the kalla came from an environment in which women covered
their hair with a kerchief and not a sheitel (wig), I should ensure that
the kalla wear a sheitel after the wedding.
The kalla herself had
moved slowly but surely towards Chabad, but at her own pace. She found it hard
to digest the fact that she would have to wear a sheitel after the
wedding. She said she would wear a hat and that in general some things she was
willing to accept, while other things she wasn’t ready for. After my talk with
Rabbi Halperin, I insisted on a sheitel.
I didn’t know what to do and
how to proceed. I decided to write to the Rebbe, the first letter I had ever
written to the Rebbe. The date was the seventh of Tammuz 5755.
I wrote about many subjects,
first describing my personal history at length, including where I had come from
and how I had come to Yiddishkeit and Chabad. Then I asked for a bracha
for the shidduch and added the topic of the sheitel, which the kalla
refused to wear. But I still asked for the Rebbe’s consent and blessing
for the shidduch. The final part of my letter was about my parents, and I
asked the Rebbe for a bracha that my parents become religious.
I put the letter randomly in
Volume 9 of the Igros Kodesh and the letter I opened to was dated the 7th
of Tammuz, the same day I put my letter in.
This is what the Rebbe wrote on
p. 174-175:
"In answer to your letter…in
which you write the highlights of your life thus far and your state at present.
"About your writing
concerning the [shidduch suggestions] they are offering you…in my
opinion, you should also look into other suggestions, and with time – you will
see and discern. Then about your second question as to what to do after the
wedding, and how to set yourself up, there is still time to discuss this. For a
wedding is something eternal and you shouldn’t rush it and grab the first
suggestion."
Then the Rebbe went on to
answer the final point in my letter:
"Concerning what you wrote
about the spiritual state of your parents, you should try to get them acquainted
with religious people, preferably Lubavitchers, where they live. Ask these
religious people to look for opportunities to influence your parents and be mekarev
them to our Father in Heaven."
The Rebbe concluded the letter
with a point whose relevance to me I didn’t understand:
"I am sure you know the
customs of a birthday, with an aliya to the Torah, giving tzedaka
before Shacharis and Mincha, and if the birthday falls on Shabbos,
then to do these things the day before; and an additional shiur in Torah
study in nigleh and Chassidus. May Hashem give you a year of success in
learning nigleh and Chassidus and in the punctilious fulfillment of mitzvos.
"With blessings for
success in all the above."
I read the letter and was
stunned. It was the same date on which I had written my letter and it answered
everything I had asked, topic by topic, in order.
I reread the letter and
understood from the Rebbe’s answer that I should drop the shidduch, for
the Rebbe said to look into other suggestions.
I went to my kalla and
told her about writing into the Igros Kodesh and told her I couldn’t go
against the Rebbe, and since the Rebbe said to look into other suggestions, we
couldn’t get married.
Naturally she was very upset.
"Do you think that you’re the only one who can write to the Rebbe and get
an appropriate answer?" she said. "I can also write to the
Rebbe!"
She sat down and wrote a letter
and described our difference of opinion about a head covering. She made sure to
mention my unusual "stubbornness." Then she put the letter into the Igros
Kodesh and received the following amazing answer (Volume 9, p. 111-112):
"I received her letter in
which she writes what was given over to her in my name, and replies that there
are details she agrees with and details which she doesn’t want, and so it will
only be forced, etc.
"This whole approach is
not correct or appropriate when approaching the beginning of a daily schedule,
and obviously everybody wants a happy life, and happiness in life is dependent
on quality and quantity...the question is not what a person wants and doesn’t
want, but rather the approach is on what and who happiness depends on, and under
which conditions one can hope to have actual happiness.
"And I said to _____ when
he was here, that a man’s wife can be an eizer (help) or kinegdo
(opposed to him), and even though it’s hard to tell in advance and to know
with utter certainty, 100%, how their relationship will be over the decades, a
known and important test is the relationship between the young people and taking
their philosophies into account – one with the other, before the wedding. He
should clarify this (so should every man and woman do when they want to marry)
as much as possible.
"For his part, he shouldn’t
hide anything from her about his present philosophy in life, and he should ask
her to tell him what she thinks about his philosophy. If she acts in accordance
with what she wrote in her letter, that she will arrange her life in accordance
with her wishes without her taking into account G-d’s opinion and the
directives He gave each Jew, he should carefully rethink marriage and this shidduch.
"Since _____ wants to know
my opinion in this and my consent, and as he put it, my blessing too, I can
wholeheartedly agree when I see the greatest reason for hope that their lives
will be happy, and this is dependent on their arranging their lives on the
foundations of Torah and mitzvos as they are stated in Shulchan Aruch,
and not as each one understands it, agreeing with a certain detail but
disagreeing with other details. For Hashem says that going in His ways that He
taught ensures a life of blessing and success, as opposed to going in other
ways. I cannot take on the responsibility of participating in this matter when
one side approaches the whole thing without wanting and not promising, and he is
forced to do contrary to his opinion, etc., etc.
"If somebody were to say
that it is impossible to concede and to go specifically with a kerchief for a
head covering or a sheitel, regardless of the fact that by doing so one
endangers their happiness and the happiness of the other side in their joint
life for decades – this person has no sense of responsibility, nor the proper
appreciation and knowledge of what constitutes a shared life, and how worthwhile
it is to concede on even more important matters, as long as it is a happy,
united life. As stated earlier, this is impossible in the lives of Jewish men
and women without Torah and mitzvos.
"Hashem should give her
the merit to recognize her path in life and to decide in her favor with true
good, which is both material and spiritual good, for one without the other is
truly impossible."
My kalla was in shock.
The answer clearly applied to our relationship without a single extra word. She
realized how much the Rebbe runs the show and how you can’t get out of it or
ask questions and receive answers just to suit yourself.
We parted ways although we
already had a hall, a photographer, and a band. We wrote each other a ksav
mechila and said goodbye.
I went to 770 to learn and when
I returned to Eretz Yisroel I continued my studies at Tomchei Tmimim in Kfar
Chabad. Then I worked as a "tankist" in Hertzeliya. I looked into
other shidduchim as the Rebbe had told me to do.
One day Rabbi Halperin called
me over for another conversation. He told me that in recent months, the girl had
changed completely and that he thought it was worth exploring that idea again. I
remembered the line the Rebbe had written, "you should look into other
suggestions, and with time – you will see and discern." I
realized that the time had come to "see and discern."
We met again and I saw a great
change had taken place in her Chassidic customs and way of life, corresponding
to my own personal growth. We got engaged again, though not before my
"getting it over the head" for the previous time...
I wrote a letter to the Rebbe
and asked for his haskama and bracha. The letter I opened to was
letter #1776:
"In response to your
letter of 27 Tammuz, in which you write that your fiancee doesn’t like the
idea of making the wedding in Elul (and furthermore, that they are afraid of
Elul, but you don’t write the reasons why) and you ask my opinion about
whether to insist.
"You certainly shouldn’t
strongly insist or strongly not insist, for even though Chazal say there
is no k’suba without a quarrel, it is one of those things we are not mehader
in, and even without hiddurim you shouldn’t make any efforts. Just
agree to their opinion and may Hashem grant that whatever time they choose, it
should be a good and auspicious time, and you will certainly let me know in
advance when it will be."
The answer was amazingly clear:
the Rebbe said that there is no k’suba without a quarrel, and from this
I understood that everything that had taken place up until then was in order to
fulfill this dictum, "but you don’t have to be mehader in
this," and the date of the wedding should be in a "good and auspicious
time."
Shortly before I went to the chuppa,
I wrote to the Rebbe again and asked for a bracha that everything go
smoothly without any problems. The letter I opened to (Volume 12, p. 200) was
one I took to the chuppa with a light and happy heart:
"Regarding the wedding of
_____ I double my brachos. May it be l’mazal tov, mazal tov and
in a good and auspicious time, and an everlasting edifice on the foundations of
Torah and mitzvos as they are illuminated by the light of Torah, which is
the Toras Ha’Chassidus. With blessings for mazal tov, mazal tov."
Shortly after the wedding, I
suddenly figured out the meaning of the last paragraph of the first letter I had
opened to in which the Rebbe wrote about the customs on birthdays. The wedding
had taken place on the night following my birthday!
Mrs. Noah Kastiel is currently
raising a lovely Chassidic family and has three children. She stands by her
husband’s side in all areas of hafatzas ha’Yahadus and Chassidus, and
supports him in all his work at the Chabad House. She backs him during the
difficult times, too, in the course of his shlichus.
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