Parents
Should Remain Parents
By
Rabbi Yeshaya Weber
Question:
The mashgiach is complaining that my son doesn’t attend classes the way
he ought to. He asks that we, the parents, cooperate and discuss this with my
son. How should we do this and what should we say?
Answer:
Parents should remain parents, and not
become assistants – not to the mashgiach and not to the boy. The
important role of mashgiach, executed properly, has a great influence and
contributes a great deal. Parents, who are in tune with their child, have to
cooperate in order to achieve the same goal the mashgiach has – not as
"assistant" to the mashgiach, but as parents who personally
desire the same goal.
The
"b’poel," the tangible accomplishment, of the mashgiach is
that the bachur actually participate in the sedarim, b’poel mamash.
To be more precise, mamash b’poel. The b’poel of the parents
is also to achieve the same goal, but their approach is different. The parents
don’t need to carry out the same actions as the mashgiach, thereby
becoming his assistants. They handle the problem with their parental tools,
i.e., relating to the child and understanding him. At the same time, they have
to convey the clear and unequivocal message that he has to conform to the yeshiva’s
schedule and its rules.
Question:
My 15-year-old son generally learns well and has no particular problems, but I’m
bothered by the fact that he occasionally forgets to bentch or say brachos.
He sometimes forgets to daven Mincha and Maariv, too. What should
I do?
Answer:
One approach is to remind him, a second approach is to ignore it, but it’s the
third approach – to be proactive – that will enable the child to really
change from within. For example, buying him a little siddur in which you
write a personal dedication, and then quote from the Rebbe’s sichos and
sayings about t’filla and its importance. Explain the reason for giving
it to him, and convey to him that you are sure he wants to daven, but he
gets preoccupied and distracted. There are reminders that can be used, and this
is one of them.
You
can ask the child to keep the siddur next to him as much as possible, or
at least in a nearby spot, so that as soon as he sees it he will remember it’s
time to daven or to say a bracha, and do it without delay. In
conversations that can develop later, you can ask him whether he thinks the
reminder is enough, or whether he needs a reminder for the reminder. Something
like, "So how’s the new siddur?" or "Your new siddur
misses you..."
Important
Note: Parents must not count the number
of times the child forgot to daven, but the number of times he remembered
to say a bracha or daven. This will reinforce the matter they are
striving towards.
The
source of forgetting or not being particular comes from deep in the nefesh,
as it’s explained in Chassidus. The reasons for spiritual sicknesses
definitely can be a result of an inner casting off of the yoke, but the parents’
role is not to analyze it and explain the weakness to their child, but on the
contrary, to strengthen him and implant kabbalas ol in him by supporting
him, reminders being just one way.
With
Hashem’s help, "a little light will dispel a great deal of
darkness." As the Rebbe says, "One good action is better than a
thousand sighs."
The
child needs his parents’ approval and wants to know they accept him. It’s
important to him to know what they think of him. When he knows they accept him
as he is, and approve of him for his positive efforts and think he’s a good
child who tries and makes an effort, he will be ready to prove that they do
indeed view him correctly. If, chalila, it’s the opposite, he will try
to prove they are right in that case, too.
Whenever
the child needs approval, support, or a reminder, the parents’ approach must
be to take positive action, in thought, speech, or action, or in all three; not
to give up, not to sigh, not to get upset. To do something b’poel mamash,
and to get the child to do something b’poel mamash.
The
bachur’s inner work will be done when the time comes, when he is ready
for it, both on his own and with the mashpia he chooses.
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